Animus
by mywildcharmsforyou
Summary: Post-war. It's six years after The Second Wizarding War. Draco Malfoy returns to London, leaving a trail of crimes behind in Oslo. Hermione Granger leads a boring life in London, occupying a position as Auror. The two cross paths when both become field-workers and have to leave on an highly dangerous mission in the Harz, Germany. In what ways will their lives change? Still writing
1. Rendez-Vous

**Animus**

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><p><strong>Disclaimer: I don't own anything from this whole fanfic you recognize, sadly.<br>****Enjoy and review (and keep reading, I'm seeing you!)**

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><p>Rendez-Vous - Chapter 1<p>

My shoes click-clacked against the marble underground. Head in the air, this is where I belonged. I managed to hold my shoulders back and to stand up straight, lack of self-confidence was something for late at night hidden in bed.

Hermoine walked in an high tempo, although she had short legs, fully focused on the way she walked. Self-conscience, self-conscience and self-conscience.

I was ready to face the day, and my ever busy boss.

After the war I had become an Aurora. I was pacifistic, but as one of the Golden-Trio it was almost my duty and my fate of life. Serve and protect. Entitled to people, not to countries.

Even after 6 years, all across Europe, there were still Death-eaters, hungry to spread their word, it were omens of death what came out of their filthy mouths. My job was not to shut their mouth, arrest them and then bring them to court though. I mostly trained new Aurors and did paperwork. May sound boring, but I love it. Stuck up in files all night, reading about Death-eaters and other sorts of crimes people committed. Training young people and let them face their fears, as I see them grow. Just as I grew while facing my fears in the war.

This morning, while I had my third cup of coffee, there was a knock on my office door. The pretty face of Jessica, the assistant of my boss, appeared. With a high voice she said that the boss had to have a word with me. It had to be either big or bad news, because I was never called on by the boss, after all, I was pretty good in my job.

So now I was on my way to the end of the long hall. Self-conscience, self-conscience, self-conscience!

Suddenly the door of my boss' office opened, and closed. The young man coming out that door turned towards me, ready to leave. I saw his face. Fuck.

Hermione freezed, she knew that face. It was the face of the boy who had bullied her for years, a former Death-eater and the nephew of the woman who had tortured her. She slowed down, a determined look in her eyes. Self-conscience.

He stood in front of me, but he didn't seem to notice me. He looked different… His clothes didn't fit his already skinny body anymore, his gray eyes were flatten down and his mouth was a straight line, what used to be a smirk. I set my jaw, I was now in the defense mode. Then he noticed me.

''Granger?" he asked insecure. His voice sounded different, darker, rawer, and insecure? A wave of panic hit me, but I stood firmly.

"Goodmorning Malfoy" I said, my voice sounded harsh, even though inside of me it was one big mess, a mixture of panic and utter anxiety. "What are _you_ doing here?' I said, maybe a little too bitchy. He stood taller, his shoulders pushed back, looking more imitating. 'I just had a little chat with Mr. Kingsley, I'm going to work here', he said with a little smirk. Ah, the smirk didn't leave after all, good.

I was taken aback. Him, working here?! He noticed that my face had a surprised expression and there was another smirk. I couldn't get to that new information, how in the world could he work as an, an AUROR?! He was a former Death-eater after all!

'Maybe you should let me pass, so I can go home, oh and you can close your mouth" I swallowed and let him pass. It took me a moment to get myself back together and I opened the door of Kingsley's office. I walked in and I saw Kingsley behind his desk frowning while reading something. He looked up.

"Ah Ms Granger, please take a seat". I sat down across him on a comfortable armchair. I could still feel Malfoys warmth, gross. Kingsley looked up from his paper and folded his hands together. "Thank you for meeting me on such short notice Granger, but let's get straight to business, I'm a busy man!" I nodded, I wanted to go home as soon as possible after my rendez-vous with mister Malfoy.

"So, it's known that you're a busy bee and you like to work hard, not a single time I had to address you on a mistake in your work, both as on being a trainer as on your paperwork. Now, I thought long, not too long though, as I said I'm a busy man, and hard. I've come to the decision that you'll get a promotion. You'll be a field-worker, that's were your experience lays. You have been training youngsters and sitting behind a desk for too long, Ms Granger"

I gazed at him, a field-worker?! What!?

"I…eh…I think that I'm not the right person for the job Sir, with all respect!" "Nonsense Granger, you defeated You-Know-Who!"

I still can't believe that people still call Voldemort You-Know-Who, after all this time?

I realized that I had no choice, he was after all my boss! Maybe he was right, maybe with all my experiences I could be field-worker. I opened my mouth. 'Sir, thank you for this chance! I will not let you down!" I said it with more body then I was feeling, but it didn't matter. The urge of wanting to go away increased.

'Good, you will start tomorrow along with your new colleague. I figured out you already know him!"

Something was wrong, it better not be… no it couldn't. It just couldn't!

"His name is Mr. Draco Malfoy, he was in your year at Hogwarts."

I felt light-headed and dizzy, I needed to throw up. 'Ms Granger? Are you feeling alright, you look rather pale". "I'm fine, I just need to go home, I…ehm…have to go" I stood up quickly, too quickly and I had to grab the desk. "Ms Granger, where are you going?" "Thank you for the opportunity, ehm bye!" I said before opening the door.

I stormed out the room and walked quickly down the long hall. I grabbed my purse in my office, grabbed some files I was working on and put them in there. I ran out to the elevator and got in. In the big hall I went to the nearest chimney and went home.

Finally home, I took gulps of air, as if I was without any. I threw my purse on the floor and lay myself down on my couch. After a while, taking in everything that occurred that day, I got up. Walking towards the kitchen, imagining how tomorrow was going to reside. With…ew…Malfoy.

I made myself a cup of coffee, glancing at the clock. It was only 4PM. I must have gone out the Ministry a bit early… I was ashamed, this never happens to Hermione Jean Granger! Right?! I faced larger challenges than this and I could handle this! If only I acted as a professional. It wasn't like I was going to work with him all the time, well, I hoped so.

I got out of my work clothes and walked towards the bathroom. I made myself a hot bath and put my favorite bathing oil in it. I slowly got into my large bathtub.

After the war, I got quite rich and my pay-check at the Ministry wasn't quite low either… I lived in the centre of London, walking distance from the Ministry and Diagon Alley. I loved living here, it was spacious, but still close to everything.

I closed my eyes, feeling the warmth creeping up my body, like one big warm cloth. I closed my eyes and sighed. Self-conscience. I was going to make it tomorrow and the day after that, I am a strong woman for Gods sake! I felt better instantly.

After a long hour I got myself out of the tub and put on a comfy sweater and blue jeans. I settled on the couch with a glass of red wine and a good book. For almost three hours, I enjoyed my book. Then I noticed that I jawned and that my eyes were closing. I got myself up, brushed my teeth, put on my favorite night gear and fell asleep quickly.

That night I dreamed of Malfoy making fun of me and calling me Mudblood in the halls of the Ministry, although it looked an awful lot like Hogwarts at the same time…


	2. Impugnatio

Animus – Chapter 2

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><p><strong>Dear readers, I'm proud to present you the second chapter. This chapter is much longer than the previous and I hope I did a good job. It was the first time for me to write angst and I found it rather difficult. Please review your opinion on my attempt.<strong>  
><strong>Important: This chapter contains angst, depression and torturing<br>****Spoiler (but important): In this chapter Draco uses the Patronus spell for the first time. I wanted his patronus to be a white wolf because he's sneeky, silent, pale and he rather lives in a group than to be on his own. But, as you'll find out, he changed loads since the war and he lost his identity, I still wanted him to have a bit of the past self in him, so that's why I did chose a white wolf and not a other animal that fittes his current self right now more. I also wanted to use the patronus against a death omen, because death omens represent the fear of death.  
><strong>**So with that all said, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter and please review! **

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><p><em>I suppose it should all be documented and dated<em>  
><em>The facts aren't straight and the feelings are hellbent<em>  
><em>Alcohol's a truth serum and the truth is, I fucked up<em>

_The truth is_  
><em>It's fading too fast<br>_7 year bitch - Sore Subject

**Impugnatio**

With my head held high and taking big steps, I walked towards the elevator.

It was strange to see Granger again, it confused me. Still picturing her bushy hair and small body, the elevator brought me down to the Great Hall. Some wizards and witches turned their heads at me when they saw my high blonde hair and silver eyes. Some people didn't recognize me, but some did and they threw nasty looks. It hurt, but I kept walking, I was a Malfoy after all.

I quickly went home, well if you could call it a home. I was back in London now for three days and my mum still didn't know. She soon was to find out, because I went to the Ministry and Narcissa Malfoy has her sources.

I was currently hiring a place above The Leaky Cauldron and I told the owner to keep the fact that I was staying here still. I went up to my small room and sat down on my bed.

Seeing Granger brought up the memory of the war, a memory I was eager to forget, but it seemed the odds were never in my favor.

After the war I was sentenced to one year of Azkaban and after my release I went to Oslo. I didn't exactly knew why, I had a mother who was waiting for me down at the Manor, but it didn't feel right. I guess it had to do with my love for cold weather... No, it was due the fact that I couldn't bare the negative attention and the fact that my reputation was destroyed, OUR reputation.

Five years went by that I filled with drinking, fucking and some criminal business. When I got the news that my father died in Azkaban four years ago, it was a relieve. I know it's wrong to feel that when your father has passed, but he caused me so much pain over the years. After that news, I started to realize I didn't want to end as my father, in a gut. I was an alcoholic and a criminal. It took me about a year to let it all go.

And now I'm here, above The Leaky Cauldron in a too wide suit and with no identity. All I ever was, was a Malfoy, but I was never Draco. Now in a strange way, I can't even be one of them. I drowned Draco in my fire whiskey and my dad killed the Malfoy name. A dark cloud covered me and the urge of ordering a drink downstairs was big. I guess it was a natural to hire a room above a pub.

I held myself back and got out of my clothes, now I had to get dressed first before I could go downstairs. I lay myself down on the screechy bed and closed my eyes. If I fell asleep right now, I would have survived another day without alcohol. Once the covers were holding me prisoner, I gave in to the Sleep and gave up on the Alcohol.

The sun was shining through the lids of my eyes. Ugh...sunlight...

I carefully opened my eyes before quickly closing them again. I forgot to put my curtains down last night, I was too busy keeping myself from going to the pub. Again. I forced myself out of bed, protecting my eyes from the light. I slipped into the bathroom and took a cold shower. The cold water woke my body up and I felt better instantly. After my shower, I glanced at the clock, I still got an hour before I had to be at the Ministry.

It felt weird, to finally have a purpose in your life. I could finally mean something and change the world. But after all, I did it because I didn't want to be like my father. Suddenly I felt weird, I felt...guilty? Standing in front of the mirror, that weird feeling crawled upon me and I frowned.

I walked over to the mirror to fix my hair and to shave. After that, I went downstairs for breakfast. It was ironic that I had breakfast in a pub, normally I would just drink from dawn to dusk. If I came out of bed before PM anyways. I picked a table in the back and placed my arse on the old wooden chair with a loud sigh. In front of me lay The Daily Prophet and I curiously took a peek. I haven't read that paper for a very long time, to be exactly, I haven't read a certain paper in five years. I pulled the paper to me and unfolded it carefully. On the front page, in bold letters stood:

**"Death-eaters gain power in Harz-area Germany"**

I looked around, good, no one was looking at me. So I continued reading.

"**Wednesday, October 18th, Londen**.  
><em>In a press-conference last night, Tuesday the 17th, Mr. Kingsley, Head-Auror, stated that he had sent multiple Aurors to the Harz-Area. Earlier this year witches and wizards had brought the increasing number of Death-eaters in the area under attention at the German government, but it wasn't severe enough back then. Herr Köppenfelt, Head-Auror in Germany, said: "Complaints consisted of violence against buildings and gatherings of the Death-eaters on the streets, we arrested a couple of them, but they weren't out in the open that much and stayed hidden quite well. Since the beginning of September new complaints have come under our attention, more severe. A girl was attacked and an Unforgiveable was used, the girl is still in the hospital recovering. They held huge speeches on squares and Death-eaters all across Germany and The Netherlands came to join them.<em>

_That's when we undertook action. We found out that the huge group was under the leadership of a certain Barbarossa, after some research, we knew that he was from England and he was very active there both during the first and second war. Then I contacted Mr. Kingsley and we come to the conclusion we had to take action immediately." Mr. Kingsley reacted: "Herr Köppenfelt and I have discussed long and hard. We came to the conclusion that we both have to send aurors to the area and we're pleased with our selection of Aurors. We have good hope and this problem will be solved and Barbarossa will be in chains at the end of November for sure!"  
><em>From our head-editor: Rita Skeeter

I sighed loud and put the paper down, reading about Death-eaters and their stupid ideas and actions made me mad. Voldemort was dead and all was rubbish. "The Dark Lord shall return!" and "Behold, he will come back!". I needed a drink and me mouth was aching like hell for some fire whiskey. I quickly picked up my cup of coffee and emptied it in my mouth, fuck, it was still hot. My mouth was burned and my whole morning turned into a hell. Great.

I quickly got up and went to my room. Packed my stuff, brushed my teeth and put on my long black coat. I went downstairs and grumbled a goodbye to the bartender.

Outside it was a bit cold for this year and I loved it. Breathing in the fresh air and looking around, I apparated and got into the small phone booth. In the Great Hall I quickly walked past the fountain towards the elevators. I grabbed my pocket watch, I still got two minutes. The elevator stopped with a bonk and I stepped out with my head held high and with a little smirk.

Taking long passes towards the end of the long hall, I spotted Granger already waiting outside the office. She wore a grey pencil skirt, a dark blue top and a grey jacket on top of it. She finished it with dark blue heels and silver accessories. Her hair in a do-up and a bit of lip-gloss. She looked stunning, but of course I wasn't going to admit that. She looked up and spotted me. Her mouth was a straight line and her voice didn't show any kind of emotion. "Good morning Malfoy" she said while looking straight in my eyes. I felt uncomfortable as she did so, but I didn't show it.

"Good morning Ms Granger, nice weather huh?" She set her jaw and I smirked a little. "It's a little too chilly for me, but I guess it's fine" she said again without any emotion. Suddenly the door opened and Kingsley's head appeared. "Ah, you're both here, come inside, come!" Granger was eager to get in, away from our awkward conversation. She slipped through the door and I was walking behind her. Hmm nice bum she had.

Kingsley closed the door behind us. "Please, take a seat!" I wondered how many cups of coffee he already had and grinned a little. Granger took a seat and I followed her. "Now, congratulations both on your new job, I think both of you will do just amazing!" I guessed four cups. "Today Mr Malfoy will take the test and then you both have to read through files, as preparation shall we say. At the end of the day, I want to have you back in my office to discuss it all and see if you'll get accepted as field-workers". I glanced over at Granger and she looked excited and determined, bloody hell, she hasn't changed at all.

"Now, let's get to work! Granger, will you assist Malfoy on his test?" Fuck, I didn't know what this test exactly meant, but why Granger? Granger got up and looked at me impatiently. "Yes Malfoy, shall we?" she said with one eyebrow raised. I got up and followed her down the hall. Hmm her hips swayed from left to right and she did have a nice bum. Get yourself together Malfoy! Granger went to the right and there was another long hall. I already pictured myself getting lost in here.

She opened a door and suddenly we were in a big room filled with glass. In the back there were multiple computers and Granger walked over there. "Okay, I want you to stand in the middle on that spot yeah". She walked over to me and grabbed my arm. I pulled my arm back, surprised by her sudden touch. She looked me in the eye. "Relax Malfoy, you don't have to be afraid". She said with a smirk. I grumbled and gave her my arm. She attached a couple of instruments and walked over to the computers again. "I placed some instruments that show me your heart, fear and panic rating on the screens. Now you have to take a potion so I can look into your head too". She walked over me and handed me a potion in a small round glass bottle. I emptied it in my mouth. It tasted weird. "I'm going to simulate you into different areas in stressful situations, you're job is to respond the right way and defeat the 'enemy'. You get it?" I nodded although I didn't exactly know what I had to expect. Granger pussed some buttons and the room faded.

I stood into a dark room. Clenching my wand harder, I carefully walked forwards. Suddenly I heard a high scream. I recognized it, it was my mothers. "Lumos Maxima" I said with a light tremble in my voice. Another scream. I looked around, I didn't know this room. I spotted a door and ran towards the sound. I had to save my mother! Suddenly I realized that it was just a simulation. I got back to my senses and looked around, nobody.

I opened a door and now I was in a grand hall. I spotted a huge marble stairway and looked above. No one. I slowly walked upstairs, my wand held into position. My senses were sharp and my whole body was tense. Another scream. I cringed, but kept walking in the same tempo. I was almost upstairs. Another scream.

Now I was standing in a hall, with doors on both sides of it. Looking back and forth, right and left. There was a light coming from under a door at the end of the hall. Another scream, this one was longer and I heard crying. I freezed. I was now sure that my mother's screaming came from behind that door. Think, think, think. I could just storm into the room. No, then I was too unprepared. I didn't know what was going on in that room and it could be literally anything.

I decided I had to listen at the door to see what was going on. I slowly walked towards the door, carefully. Foot by foot, step by step. Wand in position. I was almost there. The lighting that came from under the door aggravated and it blinded me for a second. I heard a high-pitched laugh, I assumed from a woman, and my mother begging. I swallowed. It's just a simulation, it's not real. 'CRUCIO" I heard from the other side. My mother was now screaming and crying "PLEASE STOP, PLEASE" I had to make a move, now. I heard another voice, male, 'Ah I like you begging, Narcissa, please beg some more"

I trembled. The other witch who was torturing my mother laughed again, a cold shiver went from my neck to my toes. I tightened the grip on my wand and placed my other hand on the door. The handle didn't move, it was locked. 'Alohomora" I said.

The door blew open and what I saw, I'm sure I'll never forget. My mother hung in the air, crying and begging. A witch covered in black filthy robes was laughing and casting spells, the Dark Mark clearly visible on her wrist. Next to my mom stood a young man, laughing and saying horrible things. Then they noticed me. The man reached to his wand and the witch's eyes widened at my sight. She pointed her wand at me and screamed without hesitating 'SECTUMSEMPRA!" I duck towards the floor on the right. She missed me on a few inches.

The young man seemed like he couldn't find his wand. I got on my feet quickly and the witch was walking towards me, an evil smile across her face. Her black teeth showing. I shivered and I screamed 'STUPEFY" towards the woman, she freezed, the grin still stuck on her face.

Suddenly, the young man was behind me and his hands folded around my neck tightly. I couldn't breath anymore and panic was flooding through my veins. My wand slipped out of my fingers and I lost control over my body. I was trying to break free, but I couldn't. A grumble came out of my mouth and my mother turned her head. Her eyes were swollen and black from running mascara. My mother started crying and screaming even harder as she noticed me.

My senses became weaker, but I couldn't stand the sight of my mother. My hands moved towards the young man behind me and I stuck my fingernails in his eyes. He screamed. It felt horrible, but his grip loosened and I managed to free myself. I finally could breath. I grabbed my wand from the floor and I was pointing it at the man who was covering his eyes now. Blood was all over his hands. I wasn't sure if it was my mothers or his.

"INCARCEROUS" I screamed. The young man fell on the floor, tightened up by multiple robes. I went to my mother and brought her down. I held her tightly. "It's okay mother, I'm here. We're going home, it's okay"

Suddenly the room was fading again, and my mom disappeared. I panicked and then I realized it was just a simulation. I took big gulps of air and suddenly I was in the Forbidden Forest.

It was dark again and a strange feeling took a hold of me. "Lumos" I whispered. I glanced around. I was standing on an open spot surrounded by big trees. Then it hit me, this was the same spot as where Voldemort had tried to kill Potter. My mom saved him here. I closed my eyes and tried to focus. This spot was chosen as a distraction and I wasn't going to let it get to me.

I concentrated and waited for something to happen. For a few minutes I just stood there. My whole body was tense and I was exhausted, but I had to be alert. My legs were tired and I noticed my body soon was to collapse of exhaustion.

Suddenly I heard growling behind me. I quickly turned around, my wand in position. In front of me stood a huge Grim. I remembered teasing Potter with it in our third year. Its repulsive eyes who seemed to give white light stared at me. It showed its teeth and I stumbled backwards. Fear caught me in a trance and I failed at reacting. My body was freezed. It was as my soul was leaving my body, the temperature dropping immediately. I was dying. I was dying and I was aware. I had to do something, anything. Angst formed a black foggy cloud and swallowed my wits. The omen was still staring at me with his big white eyes. It walked towards me, slowly while growling.

I stumbled back again. No, this couldn't be happening! The beast held me in trance and his appearance was almost enough to murder me straight away. My wand was still clenched in my grip and suddenly I remembered that it was just a simulation. That didn't change the fact that I was to react quickly. I screamed the first thing that came up. "EXPECTO PATRONUS!"

A bright light came out of my wand and a white wolf appeared. The Grim growled one time before running into the woods again. I never had used the Patronus spell in my life and I didn't know I was able to. Trying to calm my shaking body, the forest became foggy and it finally disappeared.

I was laying on the ground. It was dark again. Even though it was dark, I recognized the room immediately. It was my room in the Manor. I quickly got up on my feet. I got to my door and opened it carefully, my wand in position again. Nobody in the hall. I walked towards the grand marble stairs before I heard a scream. It wasn't my mothers and it wasn't from any other close ones. It was Granger's.

I was shaking now, please, not again. I slowly walked down the stairs, my jaw set. Walking towards the sound, my expectations were right. The screaming came from the same room as 7 years ago, the drawing room. Again I heard my crazy aunt Bellatrix screaming towards Granger. "WHERE DID YOU GET THIS SWORD?" I heard Granger screaming again "We found it – PLEASE!" My body shivered and her pain became my pain. "WHAT ELSE DID YOU TAKE, ANSWER ME FILFTHY MUDBLOOD! CRUCIO!" I had to do something! I burst into the room and Bellatrix turned her head.

"Draco, what are _you_ doing here?" In the room were my mom and dad too. I yelled "Expelliarmus!" and Bellatrix's wand flew across the room. At the sight of my father I grew angry, he seemed he did too. "YOU ARE DEAD!" I screamed towards my father. He didn't show any kind of emotion what made me even more angry. I lost control of myself completly and I walked towards him. My dad opened fire against me and my mom was too shocked to react. "Stupefy!" I yelled towards my father and he fell on the ground.

"STOP OR SHE DIES!" screamed Bellatrix from the other side of the room. I turned my head. My anger made place for fear. She was holding Granger tightly with a silver knife on her throat. "DROP YOUR WAND" Bellatrix said with a high scream. I didn't obey. I couldn't, I just stood there, glued to the ground. "Draco, sweetie, drop your wand. What the hell are you doing, it's _just_ a mudblood!" she said sickenly. I had to think clearly, Bellatrix was persuading my senses and I had to be strong.

Suddenly, I remembered how Potter got away at the time. I looked above, but there was no chandelier anymore. I panicked. Suddenly my mother spoke up "Draco, listen to your aunt, drop your wand". I looked over at her, fear in both our eyes. At the sound of my mum's voice I dropped my wand, unable to do anything. "Mum.." I said with a little voice.

My eyes became watery. Anxiety stroke me hard. I am a coward, I always was and always will be. I needed a drink so badly. I wanted to drown myself, jump of a bridge, Avada Kedrava myself. I collapsed on the floor, sobbing loudly, but I wasn't in the drawing room anymore.

I was laying on the white floor of the test room. Granger was no where to be seen. It was over. Voldemort was dead and so was I. The feeling I had was worse than being surrounded by a thousand soul-sucking dementors. I got up, my legs trembling, my stomach in a knot. I ripped the instruments of my arm and threw them on the floor. I managed to get to the door and walk out of the department as quick as possible.

I apparated back to my little room on top of The Leaky Cauldron and lay myself down on my bed. I hugged myself, trying to calm down, but the tears kept flowing. After a long time, what could be a day but also an hour, I got up and walked downstairs.

I sat down at the bar and spoke the cursed words. "Can I have a double fire whiskey please, not watered down". I drank my depression away for a couple of hours before going up to my room again. I layed myself down on the bed, but I couldn't sleep.

All I could think about was Granger's motionless body in Bellatrix's arms.


	3. Dismayed

Animus – Chapter 3

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><p><strong>Dear readers, here's the third chapter. Sorry for the long wait, I have been rather busy and sick for a while. I'll be on vacation for the next two weeks, so I won't be able to update then. When I'm back, expect two long chapters waiting for you to make it up! Sorry for the possible grammatical errors, I had to write this in a hurry. I hope you forgive me and still enjoy it!<br>Love,  
>Hannah<br>**

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><p>Dismayed<p>

_When my heart just burst like a glass balloon,_

_And let it fly too high and it shattered too soon._

_I was the wrong damn girl in the wrong damn room,_

_I broke my glass balloon._

_I let go of my glass balloon._

_Hermit The Frog – Marina And The Diamonds_

He reclined on the white floor in front of me, his hands covering his eyes. I felt tears running down my cheeks. The sight of Bellatrix torturing me and Malfoy trying to stop her, rather than sticking with his father, hit me like a train. My ideas on Malfoy were in a way not relevant anymore. I was confused and my whole perspective on that night at the Malfoy Manor had changed. It was just a fucking simulation you arse, I thought to myself, it wasn't like he would ever do it in reality. Right? He just did it because he wants the job. The only thing I knew for sure was that he was panicked by the scene too. He looked so vulnerable. His trembling body on the marble floor, little sobbs reaching my ears. My shaky hands covered my ears and I stumbled backwards. Soon he was to realise that he wasn't in the simulation anymore. I had to go. There was no way he would see me like this. I rushed towards the glass door and pulled the heavy weight of it. Fresh tears were burning behind my lids and I was shaking. I softly closed the door before running down the corridor. It was okay, all was over. The bitch was dead and all was well. But the image of Malfoy attacking his father for the sake of me, was horrendous and it was never going to efface from my retina.

Since when is this corridor so fucking long? I turned my head, was he behind me? Suddenly, I bumped into human flesh and fell on the back of my head. "Fuck" I cursed loudly. Thousand pieces of white parchment were flying in the air. It made me think of snow at Hogwarts in an odd way. "Ms Granger, I'm so sorry!" I lifted my head, before dropping it again. The feeling I had in my head, was nothing near pleasant. It was as someone stuck a thousand daggers in it before splitting my skull open. "Jessica, please. Just leave me alone" I sighed before trying to get up on my feet. I failed again. Great Godric, this hurt! This day turned in lovely…

"Here, let me help you Miss. I'm so terribly sorry!" Jessica stretched out her hand and I figured I had no other choice than to accept her help. I mumbled a "Thank you", ready to proceed my way as suddenly she grabbed my shoulder. Fuck. "Is there something wrong, Ms Granger?" "No, let go of me please" "But, your eyes are-" "Just leave me the fuck alone!". I was shocked at my own outburst and Jessica was staring at me with big eyes. I released myself of her grip and quickly walked away. Fuck Fuck Fuck. When I finally arrived at my office, I quickly locked the door after entering.

I sat down at my desk and cried softly. I was so optimistic and full of courage this morning, ready to make that day the best I could. So naïve. Now I had realised that the War was never over and it would never be too. It would always haunt me until the day I was rotting in my grave. They would always be there in my head and my scars would always be there burned upon my skin. And everyday I would look at my lower-arm and see it. _Mudblood. _And every night Bellatrix' screams would still ring in my ears. There was no way it was going to vanish. Ever.

Then I saw Malfoy running down the corridor, clearly panicked. I realised he was nothing more than a victim of the war too and that stroke like lightning. Where could he have been for the past six years? He sure looked like hell. I felt sorry for him in an odd way. I felt sorry for all of us. We are nothing, nothing but scars. Trying to make everything better, but constantly failing when our memories take a hold of us and pull as back into the darkness. Back into reality. All our pathetic lives were jokes. This whole job was a joke. My whole appartement was a joke. My appointment with Ginny this afternoon was a joke. Why are we pretending it's all fine and cherry blossom when each of us have still nightmares and breakdowns? Why the fuck did Malfoy come back? Why the fuck are we putting up a show? The fact that our wounds have healed and our tears have dried up is just a fucking illusion. Nothing more. Nothing less. I don't know how long I just sat there at my desk, completely devastated.

After a while, I grabbed my purse and went to the women's lavatory. When I looked into the mirror, I was shocked. My eyes were swollen and my lips wounded because I bit on them. My hair was nothing near tight and my whole skin had gone red. I opened my purse and grabbed my make-up. It took me a fair amount of time before I was presentable. I crammed my make-up back into my purse and walked towards the elevator. Self-conscience, self-conscience, self-conscience. After apparating home, I treated myself with a long hot shower. When I was finally done with cleansing and comforting myself, I walked out of the bathroom.

Suddenly, a grey owl crashed into my room. "Erol!" I rushed over to him and carefully put him back on his feet and removed the letter from its paw. On the small piece of parchment stood, in Ginny's handwriting:

_Dear Hermione,  
><em>_I'm afraid I have to reset our appointment, I'm currently at the Burrow and my mom won't let Harry and me go! Help!  
><em>_Just kidding, but I'm afraid we can't leave…  
><em>_Is tomorrow at The Leaky Cauldron okay? Let's say: eight?  
><em>_Love,  
><em>_Ginny_

I smiled at the small letter, even through letters Ginny managed to make me laugh. I walked over to my desk and quickly wrote a letter back.

_Sweet Ginny,  
><em>_I hope you survive down there!  
><em>_Tomorrow at eight's alright, I'm looking forward!  
><em>_Kisses,  
><em>_Hermione_

I attached the letter onto Erol's paw and let him out of my window with a satisfied feeling. The depressed feeling of today had finally gone away. I settled myself down on the couch with a big glass of red wine and a book. My favorite way to pass the time. After a few hours I made myself some delicious stew and watched some televison. It was very difficult to get it placed in my appartment, after all, it was a Muggle device. After watching three episodes of _Friends_, I yawned and dragged myself towards the bedroom.

I drifted of in a deep sleep, but the heavenly sleep made place for a hauting nightmare…

I was in my room at Hogwarts. Everything was the same as before, no traces of war. I looked around when suddenly I noticed motion in the corner. A snake was crawling up to me. His slender tongue flicking. It was green with silver eyes that seemed to hypnotize me. They were beautiful, absolutely stunning. I had the urge to lean forward and touch it, but I couldn't move anymore. My body was completely paralized, my muscles not obeying any longer. I panicked and tried to scream, but my mouth was filled with slime, filling up my throat. It was slowly coming closer. My eyes never leaving his. It was almost magnetic. The sight of the green animal calmed me down and reassured me that nothing was wrong. It was almost at my feet and it rose until the snake was at the same level as my eyes were. We just stared at eachother for a long time. I blinked for a second and suddeny, its mouth was wide open, in front of my face. I could see the venom dripping from its teeth already, its mouth coming closer every millisecond. Until it reached my flesh. The teeth pussed their way through my soft skin and warm blood was flooding across my face. The snake was going backwards and it slammed into me. It bit me again. And again. And again. I wanted to raise my hands to protect my face, but I couldn't. I was seeing red and green everywhere, still very much aware of the pain. I wanted to scream for help, kill the snake, run away. What seemed so alluring moments ago, became my death. My death. My blood leaving my body. My eyes closed. My heart pounding in my chest. Before it stopped.

My bushy brown curls were waving in the wind. I had decided that it was better to walk to the Ministry. I sucked in the fresh air, it was something I needed desperately after last night. The cold that tingled my fingertops and played with my scarf, loosened my muscles and relaxed me. I closed my eyes for two seconds to concentrate on my surroundings. Even though it was rather early, the streets were already full of life. It gave me energy, but not the joy that it used to give me. I wish someday I could enjoy it once again. I did not sleep well last night and I could use some happiness, but the prospect of today was enough to move a dark cloud over my heart. The truth was, I was really fucking nervous to see Malfoy again. It was my job to stay professional, but it seemed almost impossible. The phonebooth appeared in my vision and I quickly walked towards it. Moments later, I was in the Great Hall. Wizards and Witches rushing towards their department while talking with colleagues. Parchment flying in the air. It was almost as the War was never held.

Malfoy and I sat waiting in Minister Kingsley's office. An awkward silence hung in the air and I was too nervous to even breath. I was wondering how Malfoy was doing. I hoped worse. The Minister came in with an energetic air of competence. We could finally get started. Excitment made its way into my veins and spread across my body. But then I realized that I had to spent the day with Malfoy. The excitment was gone like a sparkle of fire in the cold. There were more tests to come and I didn't know how to handle that. "Good morning. Today I want you to do some more tests to rate Malfoy's abbilities in battle. Speaking of tests, how went the one yesterday and why weren't you at the briefing?" The Minister leaned back in his chair and watched us with curious eyes. I swallowed. Fuck. I completely forgot about this problem. How could this happen? Then Malfoy suddenly spoke up. "We're very sorry Minister, it's my fault. I was rather long in the simulation and Ms Granger had an appointment. I told her to just go to her appointment. It was all my fault." I couldn't believe my ears. Did Malfoy just preserve me? I figured my eyes probably were as big as pots. "Ah good, I understand. Now let's get to work shall we?" I stood up, still in shock. I turned around and my eyes met Malfoy's who was already standing in front of the office door. In his eyes I saw something I had never seen, nothing. They were expressionless and flat down. Not the usual stormy grey colour and the proud expression. Again I was taken aback. I quickly walked past him and towards the test room. Again we were in the big glass room, but it felt different. It would always feel different from now on. "What do I have to do?" I trembled at the sound of his voice, but I hoped with all my life he didn't notice. "You have to fight with Death-eaters" I said flately. "I'm going to put you out there again, but now in a village. Multiple Death-eaters will try to defeat you and you have to defeat them. That's all." He nodded.

I gave him the potion again and I saw how he swallowed it. I attached the instruments on his arm, trying not to touch him. I walked over to the table. "Ready?" "Yes." I watched him getting into the trance. His heart rate was stable, so was his fear rate. I watched how he shouted multiple defense and attack spells. He was good. He was really good. But what did I expect? He fought in the Second Wizard War too. I bet Snape trained him himself. After an hour Malfoy finished. His sloppy white shirt was moist from sweat and his shoulder muscles showed. Fuck my life. He was hot and I couldn't deny it. "How did it go?" His voice sounded like sandpaper. "I can't tell you that yet" He nodded again. "What are we doing now?" He was bored I noticed. "We still have to read those files" "Okay."

We walked outside. "I'm going to fetch Jessica and let her bring us the files. I assume you know where your office is?" "Yes, it's next yours" Obviously. "Okay." I said flatly. He went left and I went right. I didn't want to face Jessica. Not after yesterday. I found her behind her desk. I coughed and she looked up. "Ms Granger!" she exclamed. "Good morning. I'm here to ask you for the files the Minister wanted Mr Malfoy and me to look at." "Yes, afcourse. I'll get them straight away and bring them to you." She said. I wanted to get out of here as soon as possible and I absolutely didn't want to see her again today. "No, it's okay. Just tell them where they are." "Uhm okay, I thought Michael had them." Michael was an auror too. He was a trainer too and I was his partner until I was promoted to field-worker. "Okay thank you." I quickly walked out of the office. I heard Jessica saying a "You're welcome" behind me before I headed for Michael's office. I gave a short knock on his door. "Come in!" He said. I opened the door. He was sitting at his desk. "Ah Hermione! Good to see you. Can I help you with something?" "Good morning Michael, I came to pick up the files Kingsley wanted me to read." "Ah yes, I'll get them" He stood up and walked towards a cabinet. "So, how's being a field-worker huh?" He asked curiously. "I don't really know, I haven't been on any mission yet." "Well, I suppose you will soon. Here you go, the files." He handed me them and I gave him a smile. "Thank you and good luck with whatever you're doing." "You too, good luck!" I walked outside with a small smile plastered on my face. Michael never failed at making me happy. I walked towards Malfoy's office and walked in without knocking. "Here you go, some files." I said without emotion. He nodded. I went for my own office and read about a Death-eather attack last year on a old lady. I remembered that. After a couple of hours I went for the venue. Malfoy joined me moments later in front of the door. The door opened. "Come in, come in." Said the Minister. In the room sat multiple Aurors, I guessed about ten, eyeing us. I felt uncomfortable, We sat down and Kingsley began talking. "As you all know, the Death-eater situation in the Harz area has aggravated. We have sent five Aurors already, but I'm afraid it isn't enough. So, all of you, will be sent to the area in three days." For the third time this day, I was shocked. I was going on a mission. Not a small one, the biggest one at the time. I wasn't prepared for this, for fuck's sake. "More information will follow, but be prepared. I think we're finished and Ms Granger, can you stay for a moment?" I nodded and felt how my heart dropped. The aurors and Malfoy left and only the Minister and I were left. "Before I can send Malfoy on this mission, I have to know his test results. So tell me, how did he do? I swallowed before speaking up. "Yesterday, he was in the simulation rather long but he succeeded the first two situations. The third one, he failed. I think it's because his parents were in it." "I see, I kind of understand that, with his position in the Second War. How did he do today?" "He did perfect, he did it in an hour." "Impressive." Yes it was impressive, but I wasn't going to admit that. "I think I'm going to partner you guys up. You both had similar test results the first time." Fuck. "With all respect Minister, you can't do that! You know off our history!" I said panicked. Kingsley's was silent for a while, before he continued. "I have made my decision and I'm not going to change it. I think you'll have to deal with it Ms Granger. To be honest, I expected a more professional attitude." My mouth hung open. I couldn't believe this. This was the fourth and defintely the worst time today. I slowly went to my office and packed my stuff before heading home and preparing myself for my appointment with Ginny. I sure had a lot to share with her.


	4. Whiskey & Gin

Animus – Chapter 4

**A/n: I'm baaaaacccckkkkkk. Good news for the few readers yay! I'm very sorry that I have to begin this note with an apology, but I have to (I suppose). I know that I said that I would post two large chapters after Christmas break and I am reluctant to say that I can't fulfill that. Instead, I'm going to post two small chapters, because the content in the chapters after those, can't be in these chapters. Forgive me, please. Second, when I read my previous chapters through, I noted two things:  
>1. Grammarspelling errors. Some people already brought this up and I'm so sorry. I don't really have the time to change it all into perfect English (rude). It will be fixed though!  
>2. Sorry for the lack of action and happiness. I tried to put in some jokes this time, because I do have some sort of strange humor. Sadly, this is not a really happy story, but I hope I don't write too heavy! Spoiler: the fifth chapter is depressing as hell, sorry.<br>Lots of apologizes, enjoy it while it lasts.  
>Back to (happier?) business: I'm trying to update tomorrow with a (slighter) larger chapter (but very depressing).<br>Also, I hope you had an awesome Christmas with loads of love, food and family/friends!  
>A blessed 2015 to y'all!<br>Now, enjoy this short chapter and give me your damned opinions (I'm pulling out my hair for the fact I got 4 reviews, not complaining).  
>Everyone that reviews gets love and hugs and butter beer (I always reply and I'm really loving).<br>TUCK IN!  
>Love,<br>Hannah**

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><p><em>I want whiskey when I'm sick <em>

_And a men when I'm well_

_But it's nice to have them both sometimes,_

_When I feel like raising hell_

_So don't try to save me, __I'll be just fine_

_Oh, I'm getting used to walking on a thin line_

Honey Honey - Thin line

Whiskey & Gin

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><p>The cold wind swept across the bare rosy skin of my cheeks. I was on my way to The Leaky Cauldron and I was running late. I glanced at my watch. It read five past eight. I regretted walking towards the pub, but I hated using magic when it wasn't really necessary. I lived three blocks away from the pub and Ginny would forgive me for being a tad bit late, I suppose. The streetlights illuminated my small form and I was walking fast. There weren't much people out and the stores were already closed. Walking alone in the dark never bothered me, but a strange atmosphere hung in the air and I didn't particularly liked it. I hugged my cloak a little tighter around me, as the wind grew stronger before fading again. My small-heeled booths click-clacked rapidly on the surface. I was almost there. The small, almost invisible, pub appeared in my vision and I quickly walked towards it. Opening the heavy black door, the warmth engaged me and made my fingertips tingle. Before I could even breathe, a small redheaded girl hugged me. "Hermione! There you are, I was already getting a bit worried." She said.<p>

"Really? I didn't know I was _that _late." I laughed softly.

The girl led go of me and she gave me a big smile before examining me.

"You look tired girl, come sit down." Ginny grabbed my hand and brought me to a table in the back, hidden from the rest of the people.

"I've got so much to tell you and you too of course!" She exclaimed.

"For how long haven't we talked? Three weeks?" I responded.

"It can't be that long, really? Oh Mione, I've missed you SO frickin' much!" She sighed. "I've missed you too Gin, so, how's family life?" I moved a little closer, curious for her respond.

"Well, the kids are good I suppose. James is getting all worked up about going to school. We decided that we're going to send him to a Muggle school." At that I wasn't surprised. Harry went to a normal school when he was little too and I was in opinion that it was good for the development of social skills. Wizards and Witches had to deal with Muggles at some point in their life and it was best to know the Muggle way of living. Ginny continued: "Harry is very busy at the moment with Auror stuff, something to do with Death-eaters in Germany. About that, I heard you got promoted to field-worker!"

"Yes I am actually, I'm still preparing and such, but I'll get assigned for my first mission in a couple of days, so that's exciting. The mission has something to do with the Death-eater outburst in Germany."

"But than you get to work with Harry! This is really awesome Hermione, it's a big mission. I'm sure you will do just fine."

"Thanks Gin, I'm quite confident myself too, although I don't really know what to expect." That was a lie, I was dead nervous about going on a mission, because _Malfoy _himself was my partner.

"Harry will be there too and I bet he'll look after you." That wasn't easing my nerves, but I guess she was just trying to make me feel comfortable.

"Thank you Gin." I gave her a small smile.

"Are you thirsty?" Ginny waved with her hand without waiting on my response. "Yes, can I have two Butter beers please? Thank you." Ginny turned back to me. "So, who's your new partner? I can't imagine Michael as a field-working." She said grinning.

"Ehm yeah, about that…" Ginny eyed me even more curiously as she slowly came closer. "Promise me you won't scream."

"Okay okay, I won't. Why are you acting so weird?" Two butter beers appeared on the table and Ginny took big gulps immediately, as if she was without any liquid for a day.

I took a deep breath. "It's Draco Malfoy." I almost whispered.

Ginny spat out her hot drink. "WHAT?!"

"Fuck Ginny, you promised me you wouldn't scream!"

"HOW IN THE WORLD COULD _MALFOY_ GET A JOB AS AN, AS AN AUROR?!"

"Ginny, enough! Shut up!" I hissed. The rest of the people in the pub looked over at us, some disturbed, other folks curious.

"I'm sorry, but what…the…hell?" Ginny said, going a few decibel down, thank Merlin.

"I know right? The first time I saw him at the Ministry I almost had a heart attack."

"But tell me more about him. Did he change? Where was he the past six years? Is he an good Auror?"

Should I tell Ginny about the simulation? She was my best friend after all, but still.

"To be honest, he looks like he hasn't ate for years, even more skinnier than he already was. His eyes lost the fire and are flat with no emotion. He wears worn-out filthy clothes and his shoes aren't polished for a very long period of time. Overall, he looks like a ghost." Ginny's mouth hung open, probably because I was a bit too forward.

"You can't be serious, really?" She almost whispered.

"I'm not fooling around, he _does_ look like that."

"Oh Godric, do you have any clue of where he could have been?"

"No, obviously abroad, but I have absolutely no idea." I asked myself the same question too the last two days, but it was impossible to answer, as I basically didn't know shit about him.

We were suddenly interrupted by a loud banging noise. Ginny and I immidiately jerked our heads towards the sound.

"You need to shut the fuck up you stupid butthole bitch!" My eyes grew big as I saw the person who was shouting. _Malfoy_ stood dangerously close to a mid-age witch and had thrown her drink all over the table.

"Excuse you, _you_ slammed over _my_ drink, you prick!" Shouted the witch back. I glanced over at Ginny who was evenly shocked by the event that occurred at the moment. "Fucking fine, you'll get a new one, MERLIN" The fact that Malfoy was so overdramatic made it even more amusing, oops. I tried to hold in my laugh and I ended up making weird noises. Ginny punched me.

"Hold yourself ´Mione, if he notices us, we're dead!"  
>"I know, but he's just such an arse" I responded. This time Ginny was the one who had to hold in her laughter. She quickly took a sip of her butter beer. After we were calmed down we saw that Malfoy was sitting at the bar, a glass of firewhiskey in front of him. "He does look bad." Ginny stated.<p>

"I know right, I've never had guessed that he was the one with such a short temper. He was really rude towards that witch, dear Godric."

Ginny nodded in agreement "I really wonder where he has been the past six years, even I didn't expect Malfoy turning out this way. He always had himself controlled physically, never the one who began a fight really."

I sighed "I'm supposed to work with that bull, Merlin be with me."

"I'll talk to Harry, now I'm really worried about you" Ginny genuinly looked concerned, I understood that, but still, I wasn't a little girl anymore. She turned her eyes away from me and I followed her look. Malfoy was still sitting at the bar, but now with two empty glasses in front of him.

"Can I have another." I heard him say. His voice was hard and raw, not as silky as it used to be. When he got his third, he swallowed it in one time.

"Impressive" Ginny stated.

"You're so thick sometimes" I said. At that we only grinned softly.

"Sorry mate, ya won't get anotha on'" We heard the bartender say.

"Ya had enough fo' tonight'" Malfoy stood up with a roar and knocked his chair over. The bartender shaked his head and went on with taking orders. Malfoy turned around and for a second I was scared that he had spotted us, a millisecond _of course_. But he walked to the other side of the pub and sat with a pretty witch.

"Poor girl, she now has to endure a drunk Malfoy breathing in her neck, hungry for her juices."

"Ginny! That's gross! Although she doesn't seem to mind it."

Ginny shakes her head "She's drunk"

I giggle. "I still feel sorry for her" I state.

"Oh, before I forgot to tell you, I flooed Ron last night."

"Ehm okay?"

"He told me to ask you how you were doing and shit." I shift awkwardly. Ron and I had a relationship for two years after the war before I ended it. We both worked at the Ministry, but he was always abroad. In the end, we barely talked and I felt really alone. But that was four years ago and I was already over him, and so was our friendship I guess, but he was certainly _not_ over me, in any way. "I don't get it, I told him I didn't want to have contact any longer."

"Mione, he still loves you and I feel sorry for the stupid bloke. He's my brother but he has to let you go."

I sighed "Why can't he just accept that I don't want anything to do with him." After we broke up, he stalked me a few times and tried to hit on me. I wanted to be friends, but he screwed it all up. "Why can't he just leave me alone?"

"I don't know, he just can't." We sat sipping our butter beers for a few minutes before Ginny spoke up. "I have to go, James is waiting at home and Harry is still at work. My mom is babysitting but still." She stood up and put on her cloak.

"I understand, I guess I'll leave in a bit too." I got up too and gave her a tight hug. "I'll send you an owl soon" I promised.

"You better do! I'll talk to Harry about the Malfoy thing, it's unacceptable that you're partnered up with that creep."

I smiled at that. "I'll be fine Gin!"

"Yeah, whatever."

"Take care!"

"You too Mione!"

With that said, I watched Ginny walking through the door, into the darkness. I sat back down and rested my head in my hands. I sighed again. I drank up my butter beer and laid down some Galleons. I was just beginning to leave when I saw Malfoy going upstairs with the pretty witch. Suddenly, I felt very alone. I wasn't in the mood of heading home and crawling into my cold and lonesome bed. I had to _do_ something. I walked towards the fire place and flooed towards the Ministry. The Great Hall was empty, as it was almost ten pm. I went up to my office and sat down. If I was going on a mission, I was better to be prepared. I spent the whole night searching up information on the Harz-area and Barbarossa. I found out that their headquarters lay in one of the many deserted mines in the area and that one 'Henry Lartzen' had infiltrated in the Death-eater group as a spy. After several files I crossed, my eyes fell on something very interesting. I decided I'd continued the next morning and took a glass of wine (or six). At two am, I felt that it took more energy to hold my eyes open and I fell asleep on top of a file half an hour later, or so.

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><p><strong>An: Poor Hermione, all alone... Luckily she has red wine.  
>Wondering what's Draco doing with that witch ;)<br>REVIEW (even if it's only saying: nice, I'll duck you in with la-la-la-loveeeee).  
>See you, hopefully, tomorrow or tuesday! <strong>


	5. Daddy Issues

Animus - Chapter Five

**A/n: Here is chapter five and I'm really sorry for the long wait. I know I promised I would update sooner, but the chapter was far too short and I wanted it perfect. As said, this chapter is quite depressive and you're getting a good look inside Draco's _soul_. The first part is quite heavy and you really have to think about the philosophical meaning behind it, so I wrote the remaining part much lighter. I'm really curious about your opinions on this style of writing, because I don't do the heavy stuff often, like never. I hope you enjoy and I sure hope you share your opinion and are willing to improve my writing or just encourage me (I need it). TUG IN! **

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><p>Daddy Issues<p>

_Cut my skin, it makes me human  
><em>_Scorn your mind, just feel the pain  
><em>_Cause it's what makes us human  
><em>_It keeps us all the same  
><em>_You lose your head on your chosen trip  
><em>_The sight of your blood will lose your spit  
><em>_And a broken heart will turn to sin  
><em>_But when the wound is open, we're all the same  
><em>The Gits - Cut my skin

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><p>Spiders drowning in my drink, the chandelier was dangerously swinging. I was trying to keep my vision clear, but the bottles were already covering. What I was in that very moment was everything I ever loathed, everything that was not <em>like me, <em>to what extent you could say that. I didn't want to do it anymore, not in this way. Pulling my hair, scratching my skin. I needed relief. Hypnotized by the movements of the clouds, the ongoing circle of life. Be my momentum. They were bending down, grabbing me, touching me with their silky moist.

"Tell me, how did you get this way?"

"I don't know." I whispered back to the Darkness.

A pale hand, covered in blue veins, was on my stomach. My nose bleeding in the drain. Water was dripping of my body, ongoing movements. Their hands were pulling at me, sweetly, softly, sickeningly, but I craved for it.

"Draco, sweetie, what are you doing? It's just a filthy Mudblood."

"Let go of your wand, listen to your aunt, Draco."

Filth was now speaking: "She's just a filthy Mudblood."

They smothered my cries. Why did I try? I failed and everything was broken and Second. Whoever I chose, which side, I wasn't enough. Slice them open. Waste from the old wounds, go on, and flood. As they heard my thoughts, there was now traitor's blood mixing with the clear water.

_Is it a pretty colour, daddy?_

The water was now defiled. Mist made their way through my airway. They suffocated me. I was reaching out for the stable surface, but I was already high in the atmosphere and deep down the ocean. The clouds were swimming deeper, grabbing me with them. I was a hopeless pile of dead meat. Ray of lights hit me. Four hands were pulling. Back and forth. Deeper and higher.

Until they left me alone.

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><p>There hands had retrieved opposite ways. I was still in the water, only to see it had transformed into something bigger, an ocean. There were no fish, no life down here. It was just I, alone, with the light blue water as my only companion. I couldn't stay here forever. I had to move.<p>

From nowhere, the hands were back, waiting for me to grasp one of them, as if they heard my realization.

Above me was the Light. Below the Darkness. I had to choose. There was no room for staying any longer; I had to make a choice.

There was the Light and then there was the Darkness.

One resembled Ice and the other Fire.

White and Black.

Love and Hate.

Sweet and Bitter.

Pleasure and Pain.

Summer and winter.

Good and Evil.

Venus and Mars.

My Mother and My Father.

I couldn't. The Darkness seemed tempting. The night would wrap me up, make me blind. Numb. Obliviated. Slowly drifting away from everything. Almost peaceful. But that were only assumptions, I could as well burn in eternity. My concerns and depression slowly sliding me into insomnia, forever chaining them to me.

Above me, there still was The Light. It blinded me, maybe not for the Good's sake. I was unsure if The Light was strong enough to ever reach the inner center of my tar black soul. Maybe it was too late. Maybe I had turned my back to The Light long ago and had The Darkness swallowed me already, unaware.

Hesitation settled in my brain and with it, Panic. It thrived through my veins, muscles and bones. I couldn't breath any longer. I was drowning.

What would happen to me if I just drowned here, gave up?

The hands were reaching out for me. Extending their range. More panic. My vision blurred and I sank to the bottom of the ocean. Away from the hands. Deeper and deeper. I wasn't able to move, speak, breath, let alone take a shit. Suddenly, electric bulbs were fixating. I collapsed. Still sinking. The shocks came more furious this time, making me stop. The third time, I felt my blood slowly beginning to rush again. The fourth time, it was like a fucking supernova, lifting me up. I felt like a fucking drunk dolphin, but I was only sure about the drunken part. My pulse was back and I was alive. Before I could even turn or switch, The Light pulled me upwards, with her strong hand, leaving The Darkness and the Void down below.

The hand let go of me and I was floating now. There was no above or below. No anything. Just pure white light, blinding me, calming me, making me forget, making me breathe. I opened my eyes and looked at my body. My just wet and moist body was dry. Bruises, cuts and other blemishes made place for my old soft skin. Reborn. I felt so calm and small.

"It's okay to be weak, it makes you feel stronger."

Soft murmuring voices settled me. Susurrus. I never wanted to leave. Was this Heaven?

I can't see You? Where are you Jesus? God? Gabriel? I can only hear you Mother.

Trembling hands. This was supposed to be _Good_. To be enlightening.

_Don't you dare to fuck with me?_

My whole body was trembling now. Out of nowhere, sudden spasm. My mouth opened. No scream, or ant sound. Just colours. Pink, yellow, purple, green, red, blue. It forced its way out and covered me. Ruined the white. The peace. All was chaotic. The colours took form. Transformed into things. Things that were strange, yet familiar.I couldn't let it all behind. They didn't understand. The Things had to leave me alone. I was sitting straight. The Things were on me. I tried to wipe it off, but I only made it worse. All was foreign. There was chaos all around me. Raconteurs. I cried out. Then. Aubades were greeting me and I was celestial. It was over. It crashed into me. Reality.

* * *

><p>I was covered in white blankets, sitting in a hospital bed. All sort of tubes and wires were connected to me and a Medi-Witch was checking my pulse.<p>

On the left side of the bed, sat my mother. She had aged through the years and her eyes were red and swollen. She was holding a cup of black coffee as if here life depended on it, her other hand squeezing the flesh of her thigh. She didn't look me in the eye; she was staring at her expensive black heels. Inspecting them, as if they were the most interesting things in the world.

On my right side, Blaise Zabini was seated. My old childhood friend, with whom I shared many important moments in my life, both good and bad. He did look me in the eye; worry spread across his gentle features, his brows furrowed.

When the Medi-with was done, she exited the room in a hurry. The atmosphere in the room was tense. Then Blaise spook up:

"You have to talk at some point, Draco."

I returned my gaze at the ceiling, who was keeping me quite occupied since I woke up.

"Draco, why don't you tell us what happened?"

"Shut up, Blaise, you know very well what _happened." _

"But why?"

I didn't reply. Not because I wanted to save them from the pain, no. It was because I didn't even know _why_ myself. The booze took a hold of me, and with that my emotions. I wasn't even aware of it all, only flashes of it playing before my eyelids. The last thing I know that was clear was the moment when my fluid fulfilled the pretty witch. After that, every picture inside my head was blurry.

My mom spook up. "Draco…"

"No."

"We care about you Draco." Blaise said this time.

"Stop."

"Just look at you!"

"Stop!"

"Were is the Draco we know?"

"Just leave me the fuck alone! Go! I mean it! Fuck off!" I shouted.

They had reached the limit, and crossed it. Blaise slowly stood up.

"Well, if you mean it, you leave us no choice."

"Yes."

My mom stood up too, a tear running down her cheek. They left without saying another word and I was alone in the white room.

Alone with my thoughts.

How did I end up this way? I was on the verge of starting all over, leaving it all behind in Oslo. Unfortunately, alcohol had taken a hold of me, yet again. I couldn't stop it, it came so naturel. It was a need. A way of surviving. Other people had their lovers, their jobs, their hobbies and I had my sweet alcohol. Maybe my job as an Auror would do me well; maybe I would meet a nice witch along. Maybe it would turn out right, but not now.

Now I would just try to survive, alcohol as my shining companion in the black armour. It sounded pathetic, I know, but you don't understand.

You have your lover, your job, your hobby, your friends, your study and I have nothing. Nothing but the burning sensation when I swallowed the holy liquid. I was an alcoholic, no denying there, but I was going to survive, till there was no need of surviving any longer and it came all natural, the will of truly living, truly living for something.

So I flipped the white covers of off me and I threw my legs over the side of the bed. My hands supporting my weight, I tried to stand.

Only to fell forward.

My elbows hit the ground, my legs too numb to move. I moved into a more comfortable position on my back. My elbows supporting my weight and my legs just lying on the ground, motionless. I concentrated myself, staring to my legs.

"Move." I commanded.

Nothing happened.

"Move." I said, more demanding.

Still nothing.

"Move."

Upon that, my left foot twitched slightly. Celebrating this small victory in my head, I focused again.

After ten minutes, I was able to move both my legs and I could stand. I slowly walked to the other side of the room, my legs still a bit stiff. My clothes were draped over a chair, still covered in bloodstains. I let my eyes wander across the room, in search for my wand. I spotted it on the other side of the room, on the dresser next to the hospital bed.

Again I began walking, slowly, trying to not provoke the muscles in my legs. When I finally reached the dresser, I had to grab it to avoid crashing again. I grabbed my wand and summoned my clothes. I mumbled a charm that removed the stains in my robes and another to remove my hospital dress and put on my own dress robes.

When I was ready to go out on the streets, without people calling the police or the hospital, I let go of the dresser and walked towards the door. I peaked through the door hole to see if anyone was in the hall, but the only one there was an older Medi-Witch. I decided it was safe enough and slowly walked down the hall. I followed my instincts and went left. I wished I could go faster, but I couldn't risk it.

On the far end of the hall, was a lift and I started walking towards it. I pushed the button and waited. With a loud ping, the doors parted and in the narrow space of the lift stood no other than Blaise. Luckily, he was staring at his feet and I quickly turned around and run away as fast as my muscles could bear. Unfortunately, that was as fast as an old grandpa, aged eighty.

"Draco, what are you doing here?"

Fuck. Too slow. I turned around to face him. "Blaise, leave me alone, it's non of your business."

Blaise just stared at me with big eyes.

"Fuck, Blaise, are you mental? Move out of the way, I have to go."

Blaise just continued to stand there.

"Blaise."

As if that woke him up, he shouted: "Nurse! Nurse! Patient out of bed!"

"Fuck, Blaise!"

The older Medi-Witch heard the noise and when she spotted me she speeded. I jumped into the lift and pushed all the buttons I saw. The doors were closing, but not as quick as I liked. The distance between the lift and the Medi-witch grew smaller. The doors were halfway, the Medi-witch too. Blaise was trying to push me out of the lift, but I was stronger. Just when it seemed the Medi-witch had won, only two meters to go, she slipped and fell right on her rear end.

I couldn't contain myself as I cheered and laughed as the doors closed and we were going down.

"What are you doing?"

Oh right, Blaise. Almost forgot.

We looked at each other for a second, before both erupting in laughter.

"Did you see her face when she slipped?"

"Sweet Salazar, I've never witnessed something this funny in a while!"

"The sound when she hit the ground, like a whale!"

"I wonder if she ever got up, or did she had to roll towards help!"

Our laughter suddenly died, when we heard the ping that said that we reached another level. We looked at each other once again, but much more intense. It was obvious that Blaise wouldn't let me go that easy. The doors slowly parted. When there was enough space to fit me through, I ran, Blaise close behind me.

"Draco, stop!"

"No!"

Memories of playing tag in my garden when we were little drifted to the surface. We were so innocent, so young. In the meantime, I had already reached the entrance hall. Only then I noticed I was in St. Mungo's, but that's not important. What was important was that Blaise could almost touch me, his legs far more capable of running than mine. With the memories, an old trick came too, that I used to pull on Blaise during playing tag, because his legs were always the longer ones. I suddenly stopped running, standing still, Blaise crashing into me from behind. He fell backwards, his own force now causing him to hit the ground. He was holding his nose that hit the back of my head, blood coming out of it.

"You broke my nose, you bastard!"

I looked down on him, a smirk across my face. I wouldn't say I was mean at the time, well maybe a little, but I was so used to teasing him. You can't blame me.

"Sorry mate."

And with that I ran the last meters towards the exit, throwing a last glance over my shoulder at Blaise, who was being escorted by a pretty Medi-Witch. He would thank me later.

* * *

><p>The streets were buzzing with life. All sort of witches and wizards were out and about on the streets, shopping, meeting with people and being just happy. I walked among them, suddenly feeling very small. These people had lives, occupations, hopes and dreams. I just wanted a bottle of firewhiskey, that's all.<p>

It didn't necessarily make me unhappy, the sight of the happy folks, because I knew my time would come.

Until then, I walked towards a small store that sold fine alcohol.

The bell jingled when I walked in and my eyes roamed across the rich stockings. In the back of the small shop, my favourite place, were all sorts of whiskey on the shelves.

I picked my regular one, not too expensive, but with a good aftermath in taste and enough alcohol to numb any feelings for a while. I walked over to the cashier and paid. That's when the cashier started to talk.

"I recognize you, my boy. You are in all the newspapers!"

I looked at him incredibly, how could I possibly be in 'all newspapers'?

"I beg you pardon?"

"They have this whole article on you in Witch Weekly, my wife was reading it this morning."

At this he went over to the other side of the store, leaving me very confused behind.

He appeared a minute later, a copy of Witch Weekly in his hands. On the cover was a photograph of me, last night when I was in The Leaky Cauldron.

The headline was: "Young Malfoy back in the UK."

At first not so shocking I supposed, but when I flipped forward to the article, my eyes grew wide. There were pictures of me being carried away by Medi-Witches and of me in the Ministry. The article itself went on and on about a possible drug problem, alcoholism and a suicide attempt. They also were very well informed about my position in the Ministry and there was even a photograph of Granger, and me with below written: "Are Former Death-Eater and Golden Girl having an affair?"

I nearly fainted at that.

The worst thing was, most of it was actually true. They were right about my suicide, alcoholism and Ministry position. The rest of it was bullocks, but you couldn't expect anything else from Witch Weekly.

I exited the shop quickly, the whiskey in one hand, the copy of the women magazine in my other.

When I was outside again, I suddenly felt like everyone was watching me. I rushed over to The Leaky Cauldron, trying not to stand out.

I flew up the stairs in the pub, rushing over to my small room I rented. The door was on a creak, and I opened it further carefully.

Inside, it was one big mess. Bottles were still everywhere and so where various articles of clothing, personal belongings and letters.

I went to the bathroom for further inspection and I think that was a big mistake.

Blood was on the ground, walls, in the shower, bathtub and sink, literally everywhere. _My_ blood. Several pieces of glass sprawled across the once neat bathroom, evidence of trouble with anger management. The shower curtain was gone, I had no idea where it could be, and my toiletries were all over the place.

I slowly backed away from the scene, tugging my wand out of my pocket. With a few flicks and switches, both the rooms were cleaned and my suitcase was packed.

I went through the chimney to the Ministry and brushed my clothes clean when I arrived. Today I had to focus on the Mission and it needed all my attention. More like _I_ needed it, because otherwise I would grab the bottle again and I wanted to hold myself from doing it as much as possible.

I took the elevator upstairs and exited when I reached my department. I walked over to my office and put my suitcase down next to my desk. I pulled out my bottle of whiskey and poured my self a glass. I glanced at the clock. It read half past ten in the morning. I made myself comfortable and took a seat, flipping through Witch Weekly till I found the article that was about me.

Enjoying myself with my copy of the popular women tabloid and after that some files, I didn't hear the small knock on my office door. The clock already read ten minutes to twelve by then.

* * *

><p><strong>An: So, what did you think of it? Was the beginning to sentimental or did I do a fine job? Please review and let me know! Next chapter will be Hermione's perspective and a new character is introduced. Also: MORE INFORMATION ON THE MISSION. Yes! Isn't that exciting? Well, I'm buzzing. Don't forget to review, it only takes a minute and it would make me more happier than you would ever guess! See you soon!  
><strong>**Hannah**


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